Let’s be real…. pregnant. {Part one}

If you would have asked me a year ago about having another Hank or Hankette {Mom : )} I would have said “nope”.  I was one and done for all I was concerned. Hank’s an all around great kid in our eyes and is a wonderful sleeper.  Thoughts of the sleep deprived newborn cycle still haunt me to this day and was definitely one of the main reasons I didn’t want to go through that again.  I had a hard time and those of you who know me, know I was very open to share the dark side of being a new Mommy.   

Never mind the physical healing, that was hardly noticeable (except for my stitches and one giant pot hole Dave tried to avoid on the way to the pediatrician, HOLY COW. PAIN.) The lack of sleep, nursing, whacky hormones, and my intense sugar craving on top of my personality, anxiety, and OCD made for a black hole that I felt I was trying to climb out of constantly. I had PPD and didn’t know it. Mine wasn’t as extreme as some but it’s evident I was experiencing it. It took a while to recover from that and like most things it got easier just like my friends said. Fast forward to the icing on the “no more kids” flavored cake – a tormenting 3.5 hr flight to St. John. Long story short, I hate flying, Hank screamed for an hour, lots of people got free drinks, EXCEPT ME, and I had a nervous break down in the midst of all the turbulence.  “He is NEVER going on vacation again and we are NOT having more kids!” I said to Dave while shaking with tear filled eyes. I thought I was going to explode. 

I’m smiling because Praise the Lord we were off that plane and on a boat to happiness. See the ‘tude on his face?

A month or two after our trip last summer, when patient after patient at work kept asking if I was going to have more children I remembered that Dave and I had previously talked about having at least two kids, God willing. So, I tried to remember all the reasons why I should give Hank a brother or sister. I pondered the big picture of life and came face to face with my selfish reasons for not getting pregnant again. Our patients continued to ask and they would share what it was like going from 1-2 kiddos and how it’s easier the second time around and “don’t give up on Motherhood a second time” and one patient in particular shared her story of her large family and how they are a close knit team and how much she wanted that for me. My lengthy response always included “God hasn’t put it on my heart to have another child.” 

I began to pray for God’s Will, and if it mean’t that I was to bring another one of His children into this world, I knew He would tell me. I gave Him all of my worries, fears, doubts, and Mom guilt. I remembered that this life is not my own. I am His hands and feet and I’m here to do His work. You see, having children isn’t ALL about the family we want, it’s fulfilling God’s Will. Hank was in God’s book long before I was born. Hank has a purpose everyday of his life. Hank will set out to do God’s work. I am an important part of directing Hank and showing him God’s love and helping him to grow in his relationship with Him. We all play a very intricate part of God’s plan. So who am I to stand in God’s way? 

This is in Hank’s room and one of my favorite verses.

Once I got through the tough times, I experienced Motherhood for what it purely is: a love like no other, a joy I have never felt in my entire life, pride, worry, and as my Mom says, “Having your heart walking outside your body.” 

I continued to pray daily for God to tell me the plan. Over a few weeks, I felt it in my heart, the Holy Spirit moved me daily, songs, Joyce Meyer, and one particular patient that turned her head and looked me straight in the eyes and told me, “You need to give him a sibling.” Her tone was without question, it was a command. I teared up knowing that was confirmation. God put it heavy on my heart that we would have another child. I didn’t know if this meant a biological child, or an adopted child. 

Three months after I shared with Dave what God told me, I found out I was pregnant, just shy of four weeks. You could barely see a positive line and I diligently watched that line grow darker everyday. 

Thank you, God. 

…..to be continued.


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